PSA to the ladies; You’re letting life pass you by!

Have you ever been in a gym locker room, the women’s side? No? You’d think these people were getting ready for The Miss USA pageant. The pageant goes on all day, every day, but in my opinion the biggest show is in the morning pre-work hours.

Certain gyms are worse than others. Generally, in city or school facilities people are not as concerned about getting all gussied up... maybe they are less likely to have to go to professional jobs or beauty competitions after their morning sweat? I have also noticed that, generally, the more froo froo (expensive) the gym, the more you see giant wheelie suitcases, two outlets worth of hair tools, and three caboodles of makeup.

When I walk into a locker room post swim, the thought goes through my head …no wonder people say they don't have time to work out. I mean seriously! Think about your life. You only have 168 hours in the week... Let's say 50 for work and commuting, 50 for sleeping, and we live in Atlanta, so let's say 15 more just for driving back and forth to sleep and work. Throw in likely 10 more for eating, preparing meals and preparing for those actives. ...not to mention 15 for family stuff. Then  perhaps throw in 5-10 for social acitivites, church, etc  so that leaves you, like, 18. And you're going to spend 15 MORE primping so that you may ( or may not) look one percent more put together than otherwise?



I actually wonder if these ladies are  getting some additional  reward for all that prep work. ..like its some sort of competition, ie.. I am spending this much time fluffing my hair because I am hotter or more important.  Or maybe spending ten minutes solely on curling your eyelashes is just really enjoyable?

Lest you think I'm a sweats to work sort of gal, I'm not a hippy or anything. It's important to still look as good, or as good as you can look, only in my world the time limit is twenty minutes. You just need to take shortcuts. Let it be known that although I have been known to wear tri shorts to the grocery store, I also do engage in what I would term the important female primping rituals such as regular manicures, pedicures,  and I’m sure, in the future, other secret/ expensive things girls have to do of which men may never know, such as Botox, Fraxel, drinking urine, and finally an eventual hip replacement. 
 
Back to the locker room. Assuming I have pretty much described your routine, let’s break this down. Basically, you have to get to the gym by 5 to get in an hour workout, assuming you need 90 minutes to get ready for  work. You also have to consider all the effort and time that goes into preparing all your caboodles and accessories the night before. So you have a 1/2 ratio of training/preparing. That ratio sucks. You need to make it more like 2.5/.5 to be worth even getting out of bed for.  

Well, lucky for you, I'm going to tell you the secret to everything. Get ready in your car! We live in Atlanta, so I actually feel only small pang of guilt that what I'm advising could potentially lead to a safety issue.

It's very simple,  really.  First of all, let me let you in on a little hair secret. Chlorine, windows down, and rollers can sometimes lead  to an okay hair day. Swimming in a lake Then using the products/methods I mentioned can lead to a Great hair day! Secondly, you don't have to look in the mirror to actually do anything expect for eye stuff so save that for when you arrive and don't sue me.


So with that I have saved some of you up to two hours per day and you can use that free time any way you choose. P.S. if there are published rules to the grooming competition could someone please send them to me? Just in case I find myself in need of a new hobby.

Catching up- the death ride, I’ll never be Michael Phelps, Peachtree and Chattanooga recaps

So far behind on recaps. I'll just hit the training highlights of the past several weekends. 

Headed to those mountains

Cool photos my friend Jerome took in the Gaps a few weeks ago. Lots of these photos courtesy of Jerome. Hope ya don't mind!

First, the Death Ride, as I have since termed it. I had the hardest ride of my life the week before the Chattanooga Oly. Hardest meaning the closest I've been ( or the hardest I've tried) to bail mid-ride. Lately, I have been paring down on running to really try to concentrate on improving my bike. I definitely have found the point where less is less, but more on that later. Anyways, through this process, I have become a big fan of riding my bike!  Honestly, I love riding long rides especially, the harder and hotter the better, and I love all the great centuries we have locally near Atlanta.

This is actually mile 83.... over the hump! At this point I am resigned to my  fate.. limping it in the rest of the  way. The inability to get up is real... 

So I really, really wanted to do the Cartersville century…. Even though I had done the Brevet 100 two weeks prior and a hard Gaps ride the week before... (and a HIM the weekend before that, and an IM a few weeks before that, and another HIM a few weeks before That!) Also, the C'ville century was a week prior to the Chattanooga oly, but I convinced myself it would be okay. I actually Planned on it being a very fast easy century and thought I could recover just fine. Famous. Last. Words.

The century crew Lauren, me, Jerome, and Ted... notice everyone looks to be feeling pretty normal but me

Also, it was a record hot day.. 108 degrees and I felt like crap before I even started.  I have never been so close to getting sagged in my life.  In fact, I talked to the SAG guy… not near the end.. I was ready to bail at mile 48.. especially after we got lost and added several miles right near the beginning! There was some definite sweat and tears but I was convinced    forced to  finish by my friends. The last several miles I was freezing cold and I had full blown heat exhaustion. It was pretty amazing, really!

Contemplating how I'm going to get home

Fast forward a few days to Peachtree Road Race. I was soo excited because John and I, along with several other friends, actually decided not to run Peachtree hard and we wore costumes instead. Lots of fun and laughs.. I don’t think I’ll ever run Peachtree hard again!

John and I's awesome paint before it all sweated off. Turns out even jogging  the Ptree was strenuous, especially after we got lost getting back to Steve's house and had to take a taxi.

John, Jason, Steve, and I

I don’t have much to say about Chattanooga. Basically, I had an amazing swim (for me), then proceeded to ride my half ironman watts, and ran at a pace..a lot.. slower than my last two half ironmans. All the fun of the past several weekends catching up with me. As always, though, Chattanooga is really fun and we had a blast with friends. Someday, I am going to come and crush this race!

On the yog at Chattanooga

 Finally, some big news. This just in, I found out that I’ll never be Michael Phelps. I’m sure that comes as a massive shock to those of you who have seen my unique take on the freestyle stroke. Basically, my spine is slightly crooked which goes a long way towards explaining lots of form issues and pain that I have had cycling and swimming since day 1. It’s actually a relief because I’m sure it’s a lot of pressure being a gazillion time medalist and all J

How to properly complain about a disappointing race result.

How to properly complain about a disappointing race result. Simply follow the listed steps:

Step 1- Set it up beforehand. This is the part where you loudly tell everyone in advance the reason you won’t do well. The two most popular choices are either “I’m treating it as a training day”… ie “I’m tired from training” or “I haven’t been training” however there are endless variations on these as well as some other good options.

1.       I’m going to simulate the ironman by practicing my IM pace at the super sprint

2.       I just want to practice my ‘nutrition’

3.       I have a sore toenail, pinky, etc.

Step 2- come up with your ego-protecting angle- After telling everyone why you won’t do well (too much training, not enough training, or injury) the next step is to frame up your unique excuse. Of course you’re still planning to still crush the course, despite what you said in step 1, but if something goes wrong you’ll need a ‘backup reason.’

Here are some popular ones, again taken from the vault of personal experience, my sandbagger friends. Here are your options, choose any of the below:

The ‘I don’t know anything’ guy- I have a friend like this who shall remain nameless. Actual quotes from this weekend “ I didn’t know what the distances were for this race” “I forgot I was signed up for this race until Thursday” and “I didn’t know that was a rule” (After getting a penalty)

This is a great tact to take for a number of reasons. Number one, the underlying insinuation is that if you Did actually know the rules and care, then you would be beating all your friends with ease. Number two is that it is actually bulletproof from a number of comebacks. Have a terrible run? “I didn’t know you were supposed to run more than once every two weeks!” Barely limping at the end? “I didn’t know you were supposed to eat or drink en route.” Pretty much the only downside to this method is that it only works for a limited time. You may be able to stick with this for a few months but after that people will start to be onto you.

The ‘perpetually never training’ guy- I have a friend like this. He is always 10-12 lbs heavier than he was at ‘race weight’ (although he claims that ideal race weight occurred last year, and last year he was saying the same thing about the year prior?) He always “hasn’t been running… or swimming.. or biking” and he is always talking about what he will do when he gets back in shape.This guy spends more time talking about how he’s not in shape than he does actually training (except for the secret training, but we’ll leave that for another post)

 Often there is a reference to a previous time period where he Was in shape and he is always comparing himself to this long-lost ideal. The exact parameters of this ‘glory days’ time period are often fuzzy but the implication is clear “If I actually cared enough to get in shape I would smoke all of you” The only con I can see to this approach is you can’t get too fast or fit-looking or you will eventually be exposed as a total sham.  A close cousin of this guy is ‘The self-proclaimed has-been”

The ‘Training through’ person- This person can’t rest.. they can’t afford to (!!!) There is always another big race around the corner, next week, next month, next year, and resting up could jeopardize everything!!! You can spot this person because they are moaning they might not even finish because they’re too tired from yesterday’s long ride or run, so they can’t possibly be expected to compete with others. It is apparent that the underlying message here is “if I was fresh, I would dust you” Downside? When you beat people enough, they’ll be onto you.

Step 3- Supporting Evidence

Still haven’t gotten them convinced? Some cases are desperate enough to require additional supporting evidence.  Here are a few ideas

Know-nothing guy- Pepper the facebook community with lots of questions about the race. “Do I wear running shoes on the bike?” “Are goggles provided to registered participants?”

Never training/Not at race weight guy- recent pictures of love handles will do just fine. Also photos of excessive libations and time consuming extra-curricular activities.

Self-proclaimed has been- If you see yourself as more of a ‘self-proclaimed has-been’ then consider posting 5-10 year old pictures of yourself looking awesome at races.

Training through chick- Duh. A picture of your Garmin screen showing your recent Six-Gap ride. Bonus points for pics at the top of each gap.